Who am I?

Tonight I had a realization, who am I? I am the obvious, a pregnant mom and wife, but is that all that defines me? I have wanted to get married and be a Mom since I can remember. My life goal was never to be an astronaut or invent a cure for cancer. I dreamed of getting married to my Knight in Shining armour, having babies, living in a cottage with a white picket fence, and doing arts and crafts with my kids, while an apple pie baked in the oven. Lately I have been feeling depressed and I kept telling myself it's just the hormonal changes or the fact that I deal with Gavin's tantrums through out the day... BUT today I realized what it is. I feel like I have achieved my "goals" and now I don't know who I am anymore. I love being a mom more than anything, and I am fortunate to be able to stay at home and not leave Gavin with someone else all day. I should be loving my life right now, enjoying my new car, and the fact that I live right on the beach in beautiful San Diego, but I'm still not happy. Well happy isn't the right word, I guess unsatisfied would be a better way to describe it. I have put so much into having kids that once I have the kids, what then? My life isn't going to stop at 25 because I've completed what I had set out to do so many years ago.

I'm scared to think about who I will become. I don't want to fade away into a laundry and cooking cycle. The longer I stay at home and sit around the more I feel like I'm losing my mind. Again I love cooking and cleaning (as much as I can), but I mean losing my knowledge. I am slowly forgetting my education and focusing so much on diapers and tantrums that I just feel dumb sometimes. On the other hand I am scared at the idea of going back to school and getting thrown back into a system that I don't know if I can keep up with. I want to do something great with my life, and better myself. I just want to make sure that I don't slip through the cracks and end up watching mindless soap operas all day while eating bon-bons. I know I'm pregnant and will be busy for at least another 3 more years with more tantrums and diaper changes, but hopefully during that time I can keep learning and growing. One day my kids will be grown up and I want them to be proud of their mother and what she accomplished. I want to get my degree and make a difference in the world (I know that sounds cheesy). I guess it's just hard because so often I feel lost in a daze and wonder if I will ever get out of this?

Should I go back to writing and try and write a book? Should I go back to night school (don't even know how that would be possible right now)? Should I start my own buisness? Should I start trying to read and educate myself more during my free time? I honestly don't know. I do know I love my family and my life but in order to make a better life I have to push myself and improve. I want to look back in ten years and feel that I accomplished something great. My family comes first no matter what, but the rest is yet to be determined...