Who am I?

Tonight I had a realization, who am I? I am the obvious, a pregnant mom and wife, but is that all that defines me? I have wanted to get married and be a Mom since I can remember. My life goal was never to be an astronaut or invent a cure for cancer. I dreamed of getting married to my Knight in Shining armour, having babies, living in a cottage with a white picket fence, and doing arts and crafts with my kids, while an apple pie baked in the oven. Lately I have been feeling depressed and I kept telling myself it's just the hormonal changes or the fact that I deal with Gavin's tantrums through out the day... BUT today I realized what it is. I feel like I have achieved my "goals" and now I don't know who I am anymore. I love being a mom more than anything, and I am fortunate to be able to stay at home and not leave Gavin with someone else all day. I should be loving my life right now, enjoying my new car, and the fact that I live right on the beach in beautiful San Diego, but I'm still not happy. Well happy isn't the right word, I guess unsatisfied would be a better way to describe it. I have put so much into having kids that once I have the kids, what then? My life isn't going to stop at 25 because I've completed what I had set out to do so many years ago.

I'm scared to think about who I will become. I don't want to fade away into a laundry and cooking cycle. The longer I stay at home and sit around the more I feel like I'm losing my mind. Again I love cooking and cleaning (as much as I can), but I mean losing my knowledge. I am slowly forgetting my education and focusing so much on diapers and tantrums that I just feel dumb sometimes. On the other hand I am scared at the idea of going back to school and getting thrown back into a system that I don't know if I can keep up with. I want to do something great with my life, and better myself. I just want to make sure that I don't slip through the cracks and end up watching mindless soap operas all day while eating bon-bons. I know I'm pregnant and will be busy for at least another 3 more years with more tantrums and diaper changes, but hopefully during that time I can keep learning and growing. One day my kids will be grown up and I want them to be proud of their mother and what she accomplished. I want to get my degree and make a difference in the world (I know that sounds cheesy). I guess it's just hard because so often I feel lost in a daze and wonder if I will ever get out of this?

Should I go back to writing and try and write a book? Should I go back to night school (don't even know how that would be possible right now)? Should I start my own buisness? Should I start trying to read and educate myself more during my free time? I honestly don't know. I do know I love my family and my life but in order to make a better life I have to push myself and improve. I want to look back in ten years and feel that I accomplished something great. My family comes first no matter what, but the rest is yet to be determined...

Seaworld

Yesterday morning I decided to take Gavin to Seaworld. We ran into our neighbors on the way out and ended up going together. It was a great morning. I put on Gavin's monkey back-pack and Bailey held onto the leash and walked in a straight line behind Gavin. It was the cutest thing I had ever seen, and worked so well!! Gavin had to be re-directed a few times but for the most part they walked around in a train style and didn't use a stroller at all. We saw some flamingos, and then went to a Dolphin show. After the Dolphin show we visited the penguins and a few other creatures of the cold (polar bears, a walrus,and some whales). I have to admit it was exhausting since by the end I had to carry Gavin through the entire park (a reminder of why I should always bring a stroller), but it was a nice morning. I think I may be ready to tackle Disneyland in the near future.

I would like write more about our day, but I feel really sick right now. I hate feeling this way! If I don't eat I feel sick but when I do eat I feel sick too! I really wish morning sickness only lasted in the mornings.

Cinco de Mayo

Cinco de Mayo was a pretty hectic day for me. Gavin had his two year check up and Hep A shot. I had to rush around and get things ready for the party, go grocery shopping, drop off my FIL to get his Truck from the repair shop, and do all the normal household tasks. It must be because I'm pregnant and starting to feel sluggish lately, but I was totally exhausted by bed time last night. My entire body ached and even after a good night sleep (minus the 2x I had to get up to pee), I felt unrested this morning. I think my morning sickness has kicked in today. Besides being so tired I don't want to get out of bed, the thought of certain food and smells makes me quesy. I didn't get out and about until after 10am! Those of you who know how early I usually start the day would find that shockingly late.

I took Gavin to the park, but it was cold and deserted, so we left after about a half an hour. The only food that sounded good to me was pizza, so we drove to Little Ceasars and got some bread sticks and $5 pepperoni pizzas. I don't know what I did the rest of the day... dishes, vaccumed, watched sesame street... somehow the day has been ticking away. I wish I wasn't so darn tired and out of it.

Anyway, back to Cinco de Mayo. The party was a huge success. I loved meeting so many new moms and their children. The food was delicious, and the kids had a great time trying to hit the pinata that I had set up. Gavin's 2 year appointment went very well. The Doctor couldn't believe that he had grown so much since January (only 3 months ago). He had a huge growth spurt and grew 3 inches. He is now 37 1/2 inches tall, 31 lbs, and his head is in the 97% range too. The nurse said to double his height and that is about how tall he will be as an adult, so that means he should be around 6ft 3inches. My husband and father are also about that height, so it makes sense. I am almost done giving the antibiotics for Gavin's ear infection, YAY! He got a yeast rash on his butt as an unwanted side effect, but today his rash looked like it was on the mend too.

I guess today will be another laid back day at home. It's so cold and dreary I just don't have any urge to go outside. Gavin will just have to be content playing with his trains and play-doh indoors. After having so much to do the past few days it's odd to look at my calendar and see nothing written on it for the rest of the month. It's strange how I go from being busy and stressed out to having nothing to do. I think my goal this week will be to go to the Zoo or Sea World. I'm open to any other ideas? I would like to see the exhibit on Pompeii at the National History Museum, but I'm sure Gavin would want nothing to do with it. Hmmm.

Oh yes I also found out that I can find out the baby's sex in July. The earlist is 16 weeks which would be July 10th. I am already counting down the days to find out... I know in my gut it will be another boy, but it's still so much fun to get the 3D Ultrasound and see for sure the little body parts. I'll be sure and post it in a couple of months.

Finger Painting

Yesterday Gavin had a blast finger painting with our neighbor Bailey. I put out some cheap brown paper and had tons of finger paints and sidewalk paint with rollers and paint brushes. It was so much fun! I think I enjoyed it more than they did (since they don't really understand what painting is yet). My neighbor had a water trough so when they got bored of painting they ended up splashing around in the water and throwing rocks into it. I love doing messy art projects and letting Gavin just go for it (of course the paint washes off very easily so it ends up not being that messy).

Gavin discovered that he could crawl under the paper and hide from Bailey, so it was very cute to watch them play hide and seek with each other. They don't really play together yet but parallel play is still nice for them. Another recent thing that Gavin has learned to do, not sure where he learned it from, is to stuff things that he wants to carry with him into his diaper. When we are at the beach he will shove shells down his diaper and I will find them later when I change him. He has tried keeping my cell phone, rocks, and change. One time I found a bunch of pennies and dimes in his diaper. My husband said he used to collect things when he was younger and that it just means Gavin is trying to store his own items away and protect them. I think it is very cute but I wonder if having rocks in your underwear would be all that comfortable? Sometimes, like with the cell phone, he will just get it half way down and the other half will stick out the top, as if he's carrying it around in a belt loop. I love the pride he gets on his face when he accomplishes this task. It is so neat to see each day as he learns new ways to do things on his own. More and more he pushes me away and trys to do things by himself. It's astonishing that 2 year-olds have such desire to be independent.

At the moment he is watching... you guessed it? Curious George, while playing with play-doh on the hard wood floor. I try to hide the play-doh and take it out just for special occasions so he won't get bored with it. I also don't like having to pick up all the tiny pieces that he tears apart and gets all over himself. I dreamed last night that he was talking and using the potty by himself. I hope that is a good sign of what's ahead. I don't care too much about potty training, as I know he will get it one day, and I don't want to push him too much. His speech therapy hasn't started yet but I keep thinking that just like everything else, he will talk when he is ready. He was late to walk and he'll be late to talk. BUT what is late? Does a few months or 6 months really make a huge difference in his entire life? Nope. Every child is different and has their strengths and weaknesses, that's what makes us all unique.

Jenny Westwood is a Slacker

On the Mend

Just a quick update to let you all know Gavin is much better. Today he was almost back to his happy self. He still seems a bit crankier than usual but his energy is back. We went on a wagon walk (he pulled his wagon down the boardwalk) and ended up stopping at a friend's house to play. He got a small plastic red wagon for his Birthday and insists upon pulling it everywhere he goes. He fills it with the randomist items you can think of (is randomist a word?), for example; coins, trash that he picks up on his walks,cars,curious george stuffed animal,his birthday cards,an empty milk carton,crayons,his water cup,etc. I don't know how this new infatuation started with trash cans but it is so funny! He will point out every trash can that we walk by and demand that I acknowledge it's existance. He now waves good bye to the trash cans as we leave them and he will search around for any thing that he can throw in the trash. Usually this is nice and helpful since he throws wrappers away while I'm cooking, but on occasion I catch him throwing away uneaten food and pens and pencils. The other day on our walk with his wagon he thought it would be fun to kiss the dirty trash cans that we walked past. I tried my best to get him to stop and so far he hasn't tried it again, but that is where I draw the line. The nasty black trash cans that sit out all day in the Alley are not the cleanest things to be kissing.

Let me get back to the whole point of this post. Gavin is doing much better. The In-laws and my husband aren't happy now that they have signs of Gavin's illness but that's another story for another time.

AND I still haven't had any morning sickness, YAY! All in all things are good for our little family.